The 4 Agreements and Sobriety: Always Do Your Best 🏳️‍🌈 A Queer Recovery Podcast 🎙️

The Four Agreements Series:  Always Do Your Best is our fourth of four podcasts where we reflect on the teachings of Don Miguel Ruiz's book The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom.  

🏳️‍🌈 Have any questions, comment or suggestions? Wanna be a guest co-host?

 🏳️‍🌈 Join Anthony & LouiLou for a new episode every Monday.  We record live from The Castro Country Club in San Francisco.

 🏳️‍🌈 We strive to create a brave space where we engage in topics of recovery, where there are no outside issues.

 🏳️‍🌈 Find us on all podcast channels: At The CCC

🏳️‍🌈 To send us a voice message or ask a question: go to https://www.castrocountryclub.org/podcast

#Queer #Recovery #LGBTQIA2S #Service #selfcare #selflove #bookpods 

Transcript

Welcome, you are at the CCC.
- There are no outside issues.
My name is Anthony I'm an addict and an alcoholic,
another Bozo on the bus, and I care about you.
- Yes, and I'm Louilou, and my pronouns are he and him,
and I'm a recovery for Chrystal meth and alcohol,
and I am always in search of balance.
And each week we strive to foster a brave space
where we can engage in topics, sit around, engage in recovery.
- You got a girl, you got it?
- Sit it around.
Yeah, basically we're talking about topics
that are sit around recovery.
What the hell I stumbled?
- No, you did great.
And our intention is to hold an inspire better spaces
for more people in recovery by tackling issues
sometimes used to separate us.
- But before we do that, please like, share,
and rate this episode.
- Rate this episode only if it's five stars.
- So your friends about us.
- If you don't have more than five stars to give,
then you need to go find them.
- Go find those.
- And now the disclaimer, the thoughts and opinions
expressed on that, the SEC are.
So when we do not represent anyone but ourselves,
in other words, we're just a couple of friends behind him,
like here to entertain you.
And of course, everything we talk about
is for general information purposes only.
How are you?
- I am good.
I'm doing wonderful.
It's like, you know, I shifted my apartment.
I have the studio in the Castro.
And I turn the bed around and I have new bedding
and whatever.
And there's something magical about.
Like when I'm in my space, I'm always grateful.
Like I'm always grateful.
It's not the biggest space, but it's like,
come all, this is mine.
And this month it's like four years there.
Four years.
Yeah, I wonder if we moved into our places
at the same time because I think--
I think so because it's four years for me too.
I have been stuck on Lady Gaga's "Abraka Dabra."
I love that.
It's like a long--
You were telling me about that.
It's like I'm not thinking.
That's cool.
Yeah, it's amazing.
The choreography is like next level that I cost--
I like it.
Abraa, Abraa, Kiddabra.
Abraa, Kiddabra.
Abraa, Kiddabra.
Grab you.
- Abracadabra, that's a song.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I'll have to listen to it.
- Yeah, Peresco Bell.
I think that's how you said her last name.
She's one of the choreographers
and I've been following her for a few years now.
She is brilliant.
Her choreography is like, it's cinematic.
She knows how to use an entire stage.
She gives you Easter eggs.
She gives you like, you know,
there's just pleasant surprises.
- I love that.
- She's just, oh, she's so brilliant.
And I think she worked with three other choreographers
for this.
And it's just, you know,
and I feel like the song is so timely too.
- Oh, it's so.
- So what is do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do?
- So the song is about duality.
So this is based on an article I read.
It's about like, it's about the two different forms
of Gaga.
There's the kind of like free Gaga
and then there's like the maybe perfectionist Gaga.
I don't know.
- Oh yeah.
- Don't quote me on that, sorry.
- Yeah, you mentioned it.
- Yeah, but it's about being authentic.
It's about being who you are.
Because the video is, there's like Red Gaga
who's overseeing White Gaga
'cause Gaga's dressed in white and then that.
And it's kind of like judgment.
The one the Red Gaga's essentially judging
the White Gaga.
And so what's happening is that you see her character
kind of like really in herself.
- Okay.
- And it's quite beautiful.
- It was too bad.
- Yeah, and she, I mean,
There's a whole grip of dancers.
It's like 50 plus dancers.
- Is that grip of dancers?
- Yeah, there's like 50 plus dancers,
all different bodies, ethnicities.
I mean, I was just living all the different,
like there's so many different, not references,
but there's, it's just so, it's a fucking,
it feels like a masterpiece to me.
Like everything about it,
like the lighting, the costuming, the makeup,
the choice of dancers.
It's just incredible.
- Yeah, so she was very--
- Very intentional.
- Yeah, I have not been excited about a music video
and God knows how long.
- Well, music videos aren't the thing
that you were there this time where they,
you could not wait till the music video came out.
Like the visual-- - Right, yeah, yeah, you know what,
you're right, yeah, no, and this is,
this is, it feels like a masterpiece.
I love it.
- Well, I love that, I love that for you.
- Yeah, and you know what's fun is like
finding a new favorite song.
- Uh-huh, oh, yeah.
Oh my god.
Do you do this thing where I was like,
I'll find a favorite song and I can sit with it on repeat.
Oh yeah, same thing.
Yeah.
Especially like if I'm cleaning up or whatever I'm on,
I'm gonna list this over and over.
Oh yeah, easy.
You know what I've been listening to lately?
I've been listening to Odyssey.
This is disco group.
All of the members have passed it,
but it's their song date of New Yorker.
Mm-hmm.
I have been.
And for me, the visuals are equally as important
because it's so fun to watch them,
but the song is beautiful.
Their voices are just so rich and whatever.
And I absolutely love that.
- Yes.
- Yes, yes, yes.
So shall we jump in?
- Yes, let's do that.
- Yeah, so if you've been following our series
on the four agreements,
if you've been following our series on the four agreements,
so the four agreements is a book written by Don Miguel Ruiz.
- We did it again.
- We did it again.
- Oh yeah.
- And so yeah, so we've covered a lot.
So we've started with being packable with your word
and then we don't take anything personally.
And in our last episode was about not making assumptions.
And today we're wrapping it up with the fourth agreement,
which is always do your best.
And so, you know, if you're anything like me and Lewis,
'cause you know, Lewis likes to remind people
where Virgo's is that sometimes we can think of saying,
thinking about doing our best
and we immediately go into perfectionism.
- Oh yeah.
- For like, I need to push myself harder.
I should be doing more.
But that's not what this agreement is about.
It's actually about freedom.
It's about accepting where you're at.
It's doing what you can.
It's letting that be enough and doing your best today.
Might look different from your best tomorrow.
Exactly.
And that's what I love about this agreement.
Your best is always changing.
But if you just focus on this is what I'm
able, capable of doing today, and that's it.
Right, so yeah, that's exactly right.
And so today we're going to talk about what
doing her best actually means
and how we can avoid the trap of perfectionism
and what this agreement is to the key long term,
it's about key long term peace.
- Yeah, I think that's what we've been talking a lot about
peace especially in recovery and in queer spaces
and where a lot of us have spent years feeling
like we're not a left.
So let's get into it.
- So last week, this is a perfect example.
Last week, I usually try to get to a certain number
of meetings that helps me with helping
not be bad chick, or whatever.
but I had different things going on.
And so I realized that I was not going to be able
to make it to any meetings or actually what I ended up doing
was not going to any meetings.
Like I got kind of meeting a Friday
and then I picked it up the following Friday.
And I did not feel guilty about it.
And I realized that that was what I was capable of.
Like I had meetings with sponsors and other,
like I followed through on everything that I needed to do,
but I just couldn't, you know?
And I feel like in the past I would have beat myself up,
like, oh my God, I need to go to meeting.
- You know how when you hear people say,
oh yeah, I've been in a meeting in a week,
and I'm, and I know where to go.
I was talking to my sponsor about this.
It's like, I'm at that place where I know where to go
to get my relief.
Like if it was necessary, I would have definitely found a way
to kind of get what I need it.
There's so many alternatives like online,
I'd listen to a speaker tape or whatever, but,
- Yeah.
- It was fine and I'm able to,
I was able to get back on track.
- Yeah, we got to wear like a loose fitting garment.
- Exactly, we wear this recovery
like a loose fitting garment.
- Recarving, like from a drag because it's like,
I don't want to have, like you will never see
many in anything too tight.
- Yeah, recovery doesn't need to be a corset.
- No, no, no.
- Recovery, recovery could be your favorite shirt
that you wear to go to bed if you wear a shirt to go to bed.
- I do.
- I do, I wear it, yeah.
- Yeah, I'm not gonna talk about it.
- Have you ever tried to sleep?
Have you ever slept naked?
- No.
- And I can't sleep naked when somebody else
isn't the bad because I'm gonna be touching you
and like I'll be distracted.
No, so that's crazy.
- I can't.
It's just too sweaty.
- Yeah, it's weird.
It's like, oh yeah, no.
It's like, I don't like it.
I don't know.
- It's not for me.
- Yeah, exactly.
- I also need, I'm so particular when I go to bed.
I need three pillows.
I need one for my head, one for between my knees,
'cause I don't like to do what my knees touch.
- I love pillows that are cold.
- Oh yeah, I'm a, I definitely, I used to have a chillow.
Have you ever had one of those? - No, but I've heard of yeah.
- Yeah, you used to have a chillow but then like I popped it and it went my pillow.
- I also, I also nowadays I have to have some liquid next to my bed like a one.
- Yeah, you know that's a new thing for me too actually. Yeah, I look good on it.
- 'Cause I woke up the other morning and my tongue was dry and it was either, but I thought it was gonna fall off.
- I'm gonna get a little bit of water. - Yeah. You know that's a new thing for me too actually.
Yeah, I look good on it. - 'Cause I woke up the other morning and my tongue was dry and it was, I thought it was gonna fall off.
- What the hell, man?
- Yeah, yeah.
So one for May had one for May Nees
and then one for holding.
- I love it, as we get older,
we have our things that we need.
- Yeah, and I need a fan going in the background.
- Yeah, I'm good.
I need a fan in the background, yeah.
If I don't have it,
I need some kind of white noise in the background.
- I do like it,
if I can get away with it,
I love it to be pitch black.
- Yeah.
- I don't need it.
Yeah, it's wonderful.
And I always,
every time I turn to lights off,
I'm always reminded when I was younger.
how I had to sleep with the light on the closet.
'Cause I'm all, oh, it's like, oh yeah.
That's sweet.
- No, it wasn't.
- No, it wasn't.
- Pumpkin, pump bitch.
- No, what?
- No, pump bitch.
- It's like, I'm all, there ain't nothing in that closet
for you and if it isn't the closet, I don't want you.
- Were you making assumptions about what was this?
- I was absolutely making assumptions.
And it was another, it's about a pile of clothes.
- Yeah, so when you think about like doing your best,
what does that look or mean for you?
What does that look like?
- Well, I tell you to.
- I tie it to, for recovery, I tie it to the third step.
Like I put the energy and I do what I need to do
and I turn it over.
Like doing what best means, if I'm able to,
- When should I try to see?
- Well just doing my best is like putting what I can into it
is like I'm all using my best is pretty amazing.
(laughing)
- I love that.
- I know, I feel like it is.
- Yeah, it's a little into that.
I feel like when I'm really passionate about something,
then I'm a fire about it,
then I really give it the attention as you tell that it needs.
But what I've done, actually,
this is important for me,
things that I'm not passionate about.
I'm not passionate about it,
and so I don't put the energy into it.
- Yeah, what you're reminding me of is,
in some days we have a lot of energy,
some days we don't have a lot of energy.
You know, and what does it look like to just be okay with that?
- Exactly.
- It's like the difference between like burning out.
You know what I mean?
- Oh yeah, absolutely.
- Not burning out.
- Yeah, and perfectionism is also one of those things
where like, you know, perfectionism will have you
like chasing an impossible standard.
- Like your tail.
But you, what do you think about when you think of
doing the best.
- Doing the best I can.
- Yeah, you know, like, I think for me,
it comes down to, okay, this is interesting
because I hadn't thought of it,
but for me, it's, I have an intuitive sense
of what that is.
So for example, you know, like I am certainly one
of these people who, you know, like I was a perfectionist
for quite some time and I still can be.
And that made me sick because I would like overwork myself.
And so for me now, like doing my best is being where I'm at.
So by that I mean, so if I wake up and I'm incredibly tired,
you know, either 'cause you know that maybe yesterday
was like a really long day or I've stuffed on my mind
and my best looks like, all right,
like how can I treat myself the best right now?
So I think maybe that's really what I'm trying to say
is that it's about my relationship with myself.
And a lot of times I all think about it kind of like,
if I had a kid and my kid woke up and he was really tired,
I don't know why it's his son,
but and he was really tired.
(laughing)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And if he was really tired and like I'd be like,
okay, you know, like I get it,
but we have to go to school.
And so here's a snack, let's have a snack.
And you know, like I just need you to go to school
and if you need to take a break or,
You know what I mean?
Just be chill.
You don't have to take it all in all that well.
- Exactly.
You know, like with my personal space,
like there are times when my apartment is messy by my standards
and I'm just not there with it,
whether or not it's low grade, depression,
or whatever the situation is.
- Yeah.
- You know,
they got to have a door that I can close
and I don't have to invite anybody in.
And like Thursdays,
or my early day at work,
And I usually say, I'm going to go home, I'm going to do some laundry, I'm going to clean
this clean now, whatever.
And I get in there and all I can do is fall on the bed and go to sleep.
And that's okay.
And that is absolutely okay.
And I don't have to judge myself because usually what happened is like, you know, I'll
be able to make up for it one time, one time get that little bit of rest.
You know, I can be really neurotic about making my bed.
No, there's a thing.
I can be super neurotic about because I'm like, I must make my bed like my day.
I'm not going to have a good day unless I make my bed.
So I can get a little neurotic about that.
And so sometimes--
- You don't have to be so like, you know how--
- It used to be, I've gotten better.
- All the lines have to be a certain way.
- You know what?
I'm gonna know when I have made it
when my bed isn't flushed against the wall.
Because I would love to be able to like,
you know, do both sides of it like my bed is against a wall.
- All of it, I kind of like having my bed in the corner.
I live in a studio, so I really have no choice.
- Yeah, no, no, I have to be creative with that.
and I've shifted my bed around a few times the habit.
- Yeah, so yeah, it looks like really,
it's like doing my best looks like
treating myself the best.
- Oh yeah, absolutely.
- Like knowing, understanding your limitations, you know?
Like understanding, there are things that I always wanna do,
but I can't do or that I'm not that good at.
I mean, doing my best, I put whatever effort
I'm gonna put in and to it and then I let it go.
- I love your use of the word effort
'cause I do think it's about efforts.
The quality of the effort rather than the outcome, right?
It's like the quality of the effort is like,
am I half-assing this?
Like could I do more, but not actually no?
Like no, I'm not half-assing this.
I'm doing this like in my capacity.
And I think like it's also really kind of important
to talk about capitalism and like grind culture, right?
like there's a way that like grind culture
can twist the idea of like doing your best.
And there's a difference between overworking
and say maybe like healthy striving.
- Yeah, exactly.
I have days at work like that
where I just don't have the energy
or the mental capacity to do,
like there's some days where I'm just on fire
with merchandising whatever.
And other days where I just realized I don't have that.
And so the way that I deal with that
as I stay on the floor and I talk to customers
and I straighten it, but I don't look for new projects
to start and I'm okay with that.
And it's been helping me with making assumptions
about what other people are doing
because that's the thing I'll go through.
And I see somebody leaning on something.
Yeah, I see you.
I see you not working.
You lazy motherfucker.
And I have to get over that.
Yeah, and I think in recovery too,
you can have like perfectionism in recovery
where you should think, well, I should be further along
or I shouldn't, you know, like,
if you're doing apps in space, like,
well, I shouldn't have these relapses
and I should be further along
and like my recovery, like if you're doing stepwork
or I should be, I should be, I should be, right?
And it's, and so there's a way that,
there's a way that like striving to do your best
can actually hinder you.
And by that, I mean, we're going back
to this idea of perfectionism, right?
doing your best could just be with what you have.
- Well, you know how we talk about,
like, more will be revealed.
- Mm-hmm.
- And say, you know, you reach a certain point like,
I get to my tenure marker, whatever,
I'm double digits already, and all of a sudden,
something that I thought I was supposed to be,
supposed to have addressed early on, shows up,
and it shows up in a way that I have to respond to it.
Like, I think that's where doing the best comes in.
It's like, you know what?
I have been doing the work to prepare myself to be ready,
but it's like, you know what?
I need to give myself some peace, some grace
for not being perfect or whatever, you know?
- Yeah, yeah, I feel that.
I'm also thinking about recovery too.
I'm thinking, you know, I had several relapses
in early recovery and I don't know that like looking back,
I thought I should have been somewhere else
'cause I don't think I knew what was possible for me.
You know, I just knew that I had to do something different.
And like looking back, I do think I was doing my best, right?
Because sometimes my best looks like
I'm calling a friend instead of going to a meeting
or sometimes my best looks like
I'm gonna go to work, but you know,
I'm gonna take it easy at work today.
You know?
So I try to have like a baseline
as like I try to just show up.
And if I can't show up like there's a reason, right?
And my best in that situation looks like,
you know, my best right now is like,
I need to take care of myself.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah.
- I was thinking about what you're saying
to the 10 step is something that helps us
to kind of work on that.
- What's the 10 step?
- The 10 step is like made a, you know,
taken, you know.
- Oh, daily inventory.
- Daily inventory.
- Yeah, daily inventory.
- When we realized that we've done something wrong,
we acknowledge it.
Like, doing my best is,
today I was an asshole and tomorrow I don't have to be.
- Yeah, unless I want it.
- Yeah, I love that and I love that as like data.
- Yeah.
- You know, like I do like that about that.
- Yeah.
- That's what it's like data.
And, you know, doing your best in a relationship, right?
That's something I've struggled with in the past
is like being in a relationship
and feeling like my best isn't good enough.
- Yeah.
I think it's just struggle too if you're a person who doesn't like to use the phone or call
out all the time, or if you're always late in a hole, you can work on it.
Doing my best.
I'm always on time, that's my thing.
You are always on time.
I like to be wherever.
But I'm not good at calling and talking to people.
I don't want to be on the phone for like, look, kind of like with, when we were talking
the last episode with texting. I'd rather see you in person and have that connection
or whatever, but I realized that I want to be better. And so part of the amends that I've
been doing for myself is reaching out and having conversations, maybe not nearly as long
but having them doing this. So it's like my best is putting, trying different things,
you know, like getting over my discomfort around certain things, you know?
You know, you're reminding me of like in social situations.
So like one of the things that I've just learned to embrace is that like
sometimes I get anxious in social situations or sometimes like I don't know
how to contribute or be a part of.
And so I've just kind of embraced that.
You know what I mean?
It's like, I don't feel like talking right now or I don't know how to contribute
to this conversation, or I can just be here right now.
- And frickin' social situation,
sometimes the best like us Friday night,
I was there, I enjoyed, and then I left.
- What was Friday, what did we do on Friday?
- The watch.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Our friend just celebrated the year.
- Yeah, just celebrated the year.
- And I absolutely adore him,
and I would have liked to stay till midnight,
but that wasn't, I didn't have the bandwidth.
- That's okay.
- And exactly, and so I showed up.
and sometimes the best is I showed up.
I made it a point to show you that I care about you
and now I'm bouncing.
- Yeah, you know, I love that example
because when I was preparing for interviews,
so for one of the sites I had an all day interview
and then they had reached out to me over the weekend
and they said, "Hey, we'd like for you to meet
"with two more faculty members."
And so they wanted a quick turnaround.
And so that Sunday, of course I wanted I was gonna do
the interviews, I was like really excited about the site.
So I had to cancel all of my plans.
I didn't have to.
I chose to cancel all of my plans at Sunday
and I was a birthday, a friend's birthday dinner
and there was like, I think, I think,
there were like things that I would not want to cancel on,
but I was like, this is something I have to do for myself.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah, this is something I have to,
and you know what was great is that,
like the friends birthday dinner,
like totally understood and like you got it
and was very interested in it.
- The birthday dinner understood?
The dinner understood?
- No, like my friend.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, I got it bitch.
- No, you said the way you said the dinner understood.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, that's what I meant.
You know what I mean.
Sometimes I listen to, sometimes I'll like hear back,
like listen back to some of our episodes
and I'm like, what was I just saying there?
Like, or like I didn't complete a thought, yeah.
Yeah, so.
- And I listen back and I catch like all of the set of shade
and I'm all, what?
You mean, tell me how I didn't get that
and have a chance to catch you with.
- To get back.
- To get back.
- I'm gonna catch you with the shit.
- There have been a couple times where I've said something
and you don't reply, I was like,
I don't think he's listening to me.
- No, it's like, or maybe I'm listening and I'm like,
I am not going to entertain with the response.
- With the response, he's like,
"Oh, I just know."
- Yeah.
And I think the other thing about doing your best
is doing your best is not mean
that you have to perform for anyone.
You know what I mean?
You don't have to, again to standard, you know?
- Yeah, I know what.
I was like, "I was lifting through." Yeah, so what are some practical applications? What does, I guess, defining what your best actually looks like? So what is your best when you're feeling good?
Well, when I'm feeling good and when I'm really, again, back to when I'm really passionate
about whatever it is that I'm working on, my best is I am in it.
I am on top of things.
I'm trying to make sure that what I present or what I do is, you know, really has my
golden seal on it.
Like you're going to leave and think, "Ah, this is done really well."
And, you know, because it's your best.
Yeah, because it's my best.
It's your best. It's like what is your best when you're feeling good?
Yeah, you know, what's your best when you're struggling?
You know giving yourself permission to adjust
When you need to instead of punishing yourself. Oh, absolutely when I'm struggling
Shutting this down, quieting this brain, you know, yeah, not not listening to the
That committee that's got all of these opinions about how things should have been done or how I should be doing things
Yeah, and I love what you're saying about the the should like
Because sometimes those sheds can come from like comparing ourselves other people. Oh absolutely right
And it's going back to like what is your best right like if if you're comparing it against like your own progress
Yeah, for me like going back to like social situations like
For me, like my best is not beating myself up for being anxious or not beating myself up for like the thing that I said that
Yeah, cuz I used to get like really when I was younger. I was really preoccupied with
Making sure I was light. Yeah
You know, yeah, and it's like letting that shit go. Yeah, you know, you don't you don't have to be it's a tough one
It's a tough one because I used to struggle like I learned when I moved to San Francisco and through the
or recovery rooms, there are some people who are not gonna like you just because.
Like I'm all, they don't have a reason, they probably don't even have to have a reason.
And I was all in it, and they were written space in my head.
And it's like, I've since gotten over that.
It's like, I'm all, you know what, if I'm not your cup of tea, then you need to try a different
tea, goddamn it.
Yeah, it's kind of like music.
I think about relationships in that way is like,
like if you're in a relationship
and it doesn't work out, right?
It's kind of like music you just realize,
like, oh, maybe I don't like this song,
but somebody else might like this song.
- I hope so.
- You know?
- But then it's like some people,
like they, like I don't like this song,
and I don't want anybody else to like this song for a while,
until I, yeah.
- Yeah, you know, it's a relationship for a lot of people.
- We're still talking about, yeah.
- Well, we're talking about songs today.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. - Don't fuck with my song.
- Yeah. (laughs)
- Yeah, it's kind of like foods, you know?
Like there are some things you like,
some people don't like.
- Absolutely.
- And I think like, when we're thinking about like,
like people pleasing and stuff like that,
it's like you can't, you abandon yourself
when you're constantly like adjusting.
You don't know what your best is
because you're too preoccupied with like what it looks like
for other people.
What you think other people are wanting for me, yeah.
Okay, so we've got to have experiences we've got to do.
And sometimes, you know, it's a matter of doing, experiencing what you experience and
adjusting after.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, sometimes I throw myself into things and then I'm overwhelmed or like I'll sign
up for something that I, in the rooms and I find out, I really don't want that.
You know, thank God I have learned to be a person with integrity and so it's like instead
of just ghosting like I have been known to do in the past while I was in my active addiction,
I will have whatever conversation I need and step away.
You know, you're reminding me of something I thought of this week that so when I was
drinking and using. I like went through so many different jobs because I just couldn't
keep a job, you know? And I think part of what I've learned is like I have to also accept
when I've grown. Oh yeah. You know, like sometimes I have to really pay attention to that.
So for example, like I had this like old narrative about myself when I was like younger,
So, you know, I'm 40 now and I was thinking back to like when I was younger and I had this
way of thinking about myself as like this poor brown kid from the projects. You know, and
and that's still kind of that's still part of my my history, but that's not who I am today.
You know, like I haven't forgotten where I've where I come from and I've also have allowed myself
to to grow into what I am now, right? I once had a friend say to me,
Anthony, you don't have to work on making it. You have made it.
And I've had a lot of friends.
A lot of my mentors have done that to me.
Have shared that same level of insight with me, which is like,
"No, you're there already. Just enjoy the work that you've done,
and enjoy the direction you're moving in, and it doesn't have to be anything other than that."
I like that.
Yeah.
I like that.
Yeah, to finding your best.
We were also talking about letting go of comparisons.
The comparisons, what is it comparison
as a stealer of joy or?
- Yeah, a great place for that with me is in exercise
and to kind of like, okay, so I,
the way that I've learned to deal with that is like,
okay, so I can't want something
if I'm not willing to do the work for it.
Remember when you said that to me for the first video?
- And so it's like I want to judge somebody for being,
but they're doing the work.
And the best place I can be is just happy for them.
And also be good with where I'm at
because I had to get to a place,
especially with my body and whatever.
We all go through ups and downs
with the way we feel about ourselves
doubts and all that good stuff. And interestingly enough, it's like, I'm not at my optimal
anything, but I'm loving myself more than I have in a really long time.
That's fantastic.
And I think that that's my best. If all I can do is just be happy about the skin I'm
in and where I'm at, then I'm good. You know, that may change when I decide, okay, let's
go back to the gym. Let's do something so I can feel a different way, but right now this
is good for me, you know?
Yeah, yeah, I love that. And I love the example of the body as a place of having that type
of acceptance. The way I like to think about it is, and this is something that I've been
working on as like cultivating confidence. So one of the things that I've noticed is
that I also feel that way. Like I feel more confident than I ever have before and it's
and I didn't, and I haven't quote unquote,
"mat like fitness goals."
I haven't quote unquote,
"mat like certain life milestones."
I just feel really good in my body
and I have like the self-love and exulf acceptance
and I think this feels so much better to me than,
because here's the thing,
it's like I have reached fitness goals before
and I was still unhappy.
I have reached milestones before
and I was still unhappy.
- Absolutely.
- Benji likes to say,
and I've heard this in other spaces too,
and different versions, that happiness is an inside job.
It's not a destination, my good friend Stephanie,
my best friend Stephanie, she says,
we have to cultivate.
We have to work for happiness in the same way
that we work for other things.
It's not something that just happens.
Yeah, so there's effort there,
but the effort is not in the self-criticism.
It's not in the working yourself to death.
The effort is in like having your behaviors aligned
with like your values.
It's about taking care of yourself
and loving yourself and walking the earth gently
and being in community with other people.
- Absolutely.
- All those things.
- I think as far as recovery goes to a place
where doing our best comes into play,
especially as our lives get bigger is service.
- Let's go service.
- Yeah, because in the beginning, when I had more time,
I was able to do a lot of different things
and show up in so many ways.
And now it's like I show up where I can, when I can,
just like recently for the country club
I trained on the espresso bar.
They have a new espresso bar and Grindr
because I'm going to help the assistant manager Leo
train some new volunteers.
And it works for me because I can't take a shift
because of my schedule, but I can do that.
And that's me stepping up that way.
I mean, it's like, obviously it's above and beyond
because we do the podcast,
but this is a great way for me to kind of connect
and say connected.
And I'm all, okay, if all I can do is greet
or put chairs away or whatever,
everybody has a place or something that can do
and I think the key is figuring that out for yourself.
- Amen. - Yeah.
- And say, "Guilt's up church."
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm letting this all sit in.
What's coming to mind is,
you know, like I was working so hard on applications
for such a long time,
and now I have the post-doc of my dreams.
- Freedom!
- And yeah, I have the post-doc of my dreams,
and I'm wrapping up my first rotation.
- What are your feelings about your rotation now
that you have the post-doc post-doc post-doc?
- It's hard.
Yeah.
- Yeah, you must be picking up on something,
because it's like hard for me to pay attention.
- Yeah, no, exactly.
- Yeah.
- It's like I'm over here already.
It's like I'm all bitch up, yeah.
- But the thing is that I'm not, you know what I mean?
I think what's really cool in this feels like divine intervention
is that I'm ending my current rotation
and going into my next rotation.
And it's my next rotation are like my number one
and number two choices.
Traces and so I feel like I'm going into like more exciting work
and I'm gonna be learning the things that I wanna learn.
- Absolutely.
And I'm also like, I'm tired of being broke.
I'm so broke.
- Yeah.
- And so like right now I've been using this car
subscription service and it's really fucking expensive.
I'm paying more for this subscription service
than most people do for like a car now.
- So you're gonna change your...
- So what I'm gonna say,
- You're gonna change your motor transportation.
- I am, I'm gonna, well, 'cause right now I need a car.
So that's why I'm using it.
But my next rotation is gonna be,
it's more bar accessible.
like I can walk to the hospital from the bar,
but I'll probably get like a scooter or something like that.
So I'll have like more money in my pocket.
- Nice.
- So yeah, there are a lot of things
that I'm looking forward to.
- Okay.
- It's gonna be hard, it's been really hard
because right now I'm working with teens
and I love a lot of the kids that I'm working with.
So it's gonna be hard to terminate, care with them.
But a lot of them are graduating from our OPP program.
- Nice, very good.
- Yeah.
- Very good, very good.
So do you think we should learn the plan?
- I think we could learn the plan.
- Can we?
- I feel like this is the best that we can do.
(laughing)
- Okay, Lewis, we're pulling us back.
So that's it, that's our final episode on the four agreements.
That's the last one that we're talking about
is a game changer because it gives us permission
to stop beating ourselves up.
And doing your best doesn't mean pushing yourself
to exhaustion, it means showing up as you are,
putting in the effort you can today
and letting that be enough.
- Yeah, it's enough and you are enough.
- You are enough, yeah.
And so this week, Lewis and I,
we don't challenge our listeners,
but I guess maybe we're asking you this week
to pay attention to how you define your best.
- We're encouraging.
- You're encouraging.
How are you defining your best?
Are you holding yourself to impossible standards?
Stop it.
Are you recognizing the ever you are putting into the things
that you care about?
And let's be kind to ourselves.
So that's it, right?
- Yeah.
- So let's wrap up our series.
If you found it helpful, let us know.
Maybe there's another book you want us to cover.
I don't think we've ever done books before.
This is our first time doing it.
It was your idea.
In fact, yeah.
Aha.
No.
Yeah.
Because I absolutely love it.
I think it's amazing.
Anyway.
So I just want you to know that the Castro Country Club is a safe and sober community
center for all people and a refuge for the LGBTQ Recovery Community.
We provide programs and services that help change lives by supporting personal growth.
our vision is to reduce the suffering of addiction by connecting people to
community opportunity and support. You can find more information, including all
the ways to contact us at www.castrocountryclub.org upslash podcasts.
Yeah, it's a look for new episodes. Monday is Monday. Sometime on Monday,
it'll be out. Yeah. Yeah. So we love you. Take care of yourself. Take care of
each other. And we'll see you again soon. Okay. We won't see you. We'll see you on
the street. Bye.
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you