New Year, New Me 🏳️‍🌈 A Queer Recovery Podcast 🎙️

Our topic today is New Year, New Me or New Year, Same Me, but Better.

🏳️‍🌈 Have any questions, comment or suggestions? Wanna be a guest co-host?

 🏳️‍🌈 Join Anthony & LouiLou for a new episode every Monday.  We record live from The Castro Country Club in San Francisco.

 🏳️‍🌈 We strive to create a brave space where we engage in topics of recovery, where there are no outside issues.

 🏳️‍🌈 Find us on all podcast channels: At The CCC

🏳️‍🌈 To send us a voice message or ask a question: go to https://www.castrocountryclub.org/podcast

#Queer #Recovery #LGBTQIA2S #Service #HappyNewYear #2025 

Transcript

Welcome! You are at the CCC!
Where there are no outside issues, my name is Anthony, I'm an addict and an alcoholic,
another bozo on the bus, and I care about you.
Yes, and I'm Louis Lou, my pronouns are he and him and I am a recovery for crystal-meth
and alcohol, and I am always in search of balance.
Yes, in each week we strive to foster a brave space when we can engage in conversations
centered around topics of recovery.
Inner intention is to hold an inspire better spaces for more people in recovery by tackling
issues sometimes used to separate us.
The thoughts and opinions expressed on that, the CCC are ours and then we do not represent anyone but ourselves in other words
We're just a couple of friends behind a mic here to entertain you and of course and of course
Everything we talk about is for general information purposes only I love that I love it
I have having a hard time remembering that one line and you've got that down
My I'm a drag queen absolutely. How are you doing? I'm good
I got another interview offer for postcard.
- I love that, yes.
- Yeah, so my first interview is on the 17th,
the one after that is on the 20th,
and then on the 7th, while starting next week,
I'll start hearing back from like the other spots.
- Does it feel surreal?
- It does feel surreal.
- It does feel surreal.
What also feels surreal is that
there I've got an interview offers from incredible institutions
and that feels like I can't,
it's, you know, like I know I've put in the work,
but it's just crazy to think like,
"Wow, it's like really coming together."
- I love that, I love it.
Yeah. - How are you?
- I'm good, I'm really good, it's like I'm all,
you know what, I have to admit that the flexibility
of our new kind of scheduling has been really nice.
- Yeah, so for those of you listening right now,
Lewis and I are flying solo.
- Absolutely.
- There's no one behind a production table,
- It's just Lewis and I here,
recording where ourselves, I feel like, yes, yes.
We have access to the sound keys.
(laughing)
Yeah.
(laughing)
- We have a bunch of corn balls.
- I know, we have no business playing with us.
- No, absolutely, absolutely, it's all good.
No, honestly, it's really good.
I had one point one at to learn
because I thought, I was thinking, oh God,
it's gonna be, it's really difficult or whatever,
but turn to, it was really quite simple.
- Well, I mean, if we're just doing the audio,
it's very simple, but if we're doing the live recording,
that's like, we need, it's not just a team too,
we need a whole bunch of people.
- Exactly, and we want you to know,
our faithful listeners, we will be having shows
that are actually like, you know.
- Yeah, we'll be doing live recordings.
those will just be like the,
those will be special occasions.
- Exactly.
- So today's topic is New Year, New Me.
- Absolutely.
- And I'm not a big fan of that topic.
- I know 'cause it sounds, it's kind of--
- It feels corny.
- Corny, exactly.
So we've got to find a way to make it not corny.
- Okay, let's, so New Year, New, maybe, maybe, New Year.
- You know, everybody says New Year, New Me,
but truly, you know what's going on?
It's a New Year, it's the same me.
but I'm trying to be a better version of,
I'm trying to be better at what I was doing, you know?
- You're incredible.
- No, you are.
- No, you're incredible.
- You really are.
I was listening to one of our,
so I've been listening to the recent recordings
because I was interested in the sound quality.
- Absolutely.
- And the sound quality is great.
We've gone from being in a room where like,
there was like, constant echo to it.
- Hi, Dale, we're like, oh God,
can you hear the music downstairs?
- Yeah.
- Can you hear the police?
- Someone who walks in the door.
- Yeah, so it's just really nice to have quality audio.
- Yeah, absolutely.
- Yeah, you're incredible.
I knew you were seeing me.
(laughs)
Yeah, I love that idea, I think.
I hate going into the, like the near
with like a resolution.
- I know, we struggle, we struggle the last episode.
We struggle talking about resolutions
because neither, like I'm not a resolution person
or whatever, but I think throughout the year,
I start to take different actions
And that to me is more of a resolution than anything.
Resolution is more like, I'm taking action.
You know, the stages of grief.
Well, not the stages of grief.
Those stages of change or whatever.
You know where you're the pre-contemplative
and the contemplative.
And when I take action, that's when the resolution,
I'm resolute.
You know, I decide, okay, I'm getting ready to do what I'm,
what I think like I said last time,
I am going to start reading the Wicked Books
because-- - Oh yeah?
- Yeah, 'cause I feel like I need to read more.
And you know what I did?
I turned off my, I got rid of my cable.
- Oh no shit.
- Well, the source, I had Sonic and so I got rid of it.
But I didn't get rid of it completely
because I'm now using my neighbors.
- Where were you using your neighbors' light?
- No, for three years, for three years,
my neighbor was piggybacking off of my cable.
- Like knowingly, like you know.
- No, yeah, no, yeah.
- Okay.
- And so now it's--
- So now it's his turn.
- Cool.
- Yeah, no, but also that means that I kind of want
to turn a TV off more and read.
And usually, you know, honestly,
what's been happening is I don't necessarily,
like I get home, I don't always turn on the TV.
But what I do do is I go into a TikTok crazy, whatever.
And so instead I wanna, you know, maybe do a little reading.
How do you do it over there?
- I love that.
I love that.
I was messing around with him, like, because--
- Absolutely.
- This is a very different setup,
so I'm looking directly at Lewis.
- I know, this is intense.
- It feels a little like therapy.
- Yeah, no, exactly.
I love this, it's like I'm all.
- Yeah, so I mean, I love what you're saying about
going, like it's the same person.
I don't go and like, in lieu of resolutions,
I kind of, I go in with like intentions.
- Uh-huh.
- And, but not even that.
I hate, okay.
I love a timeline.
- Yeah. - I love a beginning.
I love it.
- Oh, absolutely.
- I love a beginning, right.
And I understand like the New Year can be that.
It can be a beginning.
I think for me, I just, I never wanna like,
voluntarily set myself up to be disappointed.
- That's why I, a lot of times, do you ever do this?
I think this would be a vertical.
- What?
- Tell me.
- Okay, I have a--
- Are you a Virgo?
- Yes.
(laughing)
I have a little no-pad and I,
and I jot down, especially like I did this with the podcast,
things that I wanna see happen.
- Okay.
- And I put them in place, not with a dedicated time
to have it happen, but so that I put the awareness on,
you know, I'm all, okay, it's here,
I wanna, this is something that I wanna work towards.
- Yeah.
depending on what it is.
I mean, obviously there are some things
that I want to be held accountable for.
And I have people that I trust like you and my sponsor
and other people that I will talk to you about it.
And in hopes that, you know, at the right time,
when I actually want to hear it, you know,
you remind me of it.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Like, you know, it's really cool.
Actually, my former sponsor, there was some stuff
that I was working on and every time we talk,
he asked me about it.
Like he's, oh.
He's a house that's going on and I'm oh fuck you.
- Yeah.
(laughing)
- Yeah, but it's really nice.
I mean, it's uncomfortable, it's uncomfortable,
but there's something to be said about like.
- Accountability.
- Yes, exactly.
And then having it come from someone that you can hear.
- Yeah.
- Because you know, there's some folks who like
should never talk to you.
- I'm talking to you.
- I'm talking to you.
- I'm all, I appreciate what you think you're doing,
but you are not.
- I didn't ask for this.
- I know exactly.
- I don't know my person and out of respect.
You know, out of spite, I will not do it
because you just did it.
- I'm gonna do math in spite of you.
(laughing)
- I love it.
- That's a gosh, yeah.
- So let's talk about, like,
is there anything about your recovery,
about how you're working your program that you might want to,
like change, be fup.
- Fantastic question.
- Yeah.
- Fantastic question.
So I had a sponsor, her name's Alice, actually,
I tried it with her today.
She was my sponsor before, like when I got back
from my relapse and then I started working
with my own sponsor again.
And one of the things she said was that I had to keep,
'cause there was this one time we were talking
and I was like, well, like I'm doing all the things,
like I'm going to meetings and I have service commitments
and I have sponsors and I'm out of myself.
I was like, but I feel like a dry alcoholic, you know?
and she was saying, well, Emily, you have to keep your program fresh.
You know, like you have to find new ways to be of service.
Maybe you need to go to new meetings.
And the way she described it was that addiction will adapt.
Oh, God.
You know?
It's like the Borg.
It's absolutely like the Borg.
It's like they're constantly like--
Yeah, like the addiction will adapt.
And I think that's like,
when I do subscribe to the belief that I am an addict,
like I'm an addict and an alcoholic
and I will be that for the rest of my life, right?
- Yeah, that's just depressing.
- It is really depressing.
And I don't even know, look at it.
- And honestly, like intellectually,
this is funny enough, this is actually something
that I'm in my professional life looking at.
some research around because there have been some studies
that show some people can return to use
after a period of abstinence.
What are we gonna say?
- Random is right, your voice is very rich.
I'm listening to it and I'm gonna think,
"Oh, that's hot, it's wonderful."
(laughing)
- We're gonna say hot.
- Yeah, I always say that's hot.
I got that from Paracelton.
- I know Paracelton and have you seen any of their new things?
- No, but I saw the thing,
(singing)
(laughing)
- Thank you.
It's so keeping it fresh.
You know, and I know that that's true for a lot of things.
And here, I have these two different experiences
that kind of remind me of this is,
one is when I am super like fucking grouchy
and depressed and just not in like the best place,
And then I go to a meeting because I haven't been to one
in a really long time.
Like I feel like a sponge and everything feels like God.
You know what I mean?
I feel so nourished by it.
- Be careful which meeting should go to.
- No, 100%.
100%.
(laughing)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You don't wanna be a sponge soaking up nonsense.
- Yeah, there was, okay, so this kind of has,
it falls in line what we're talking about.
To the last couple months, like starting kind of
around the time when I had the meltdown or whatever,
I just wasn't not spiritually right.
And today I had an experience that let me know
that I'm better because I actually did a TikTok on this.
We had an individual and it's important for the story.
He was an older Asian man.
He's been in the neighborhood
I don't know if he had a bad experience with the door person or whatever.
Actually, he was yelling at the top of his lung.
He was having an experience.
He was having a--
At the-- at Cliff's.
Oh, OK.
He was having a Michael Douglas falling down kind of moment.
OK.
And he asked the guy at the door at Cliff's if we had megaphones.
And the guy said, no, you don't need a megaphone because you're already loud enough.
He didn't like that.
He liked that answer at all.
And so Christmas Eve, he came in and he complained about it.
And he was yelling and folks were trying to calm him down
and the woman behind the counter was like,
I can't do this and he accused her of being racist.
So he comes back today.
He asked to speak to the owner,
but he comes back again today and he's just,
(imitates a dog barking)
and he's inconsolable and I go and I try to calm him down
and I give him an option.
Not necessarily an option,
so I can calm down and we can talk about this
or we need to call the police because he's in the middle
and he's not leaving.
- I was talking to a customer after all of this went down
or whatever and I realized, me this time last month,
I probably would have taken that personally
and would have been fighting him as it's how dare you.
But this time, that's not about me.
He's not mad at me.
He's not mad at any of us here.
He's got whatever he's going through
'cause folks are frustrated.
And it's manifesting in ways that's not all good.
And I was just thinking, "Port Guy, I wish you could just see
that maybe shut up, maybe be quiet, take a walk,
go bang your head on something else,
but don't get arrested, 'cause as a matter of color,
I don't like calling the police on anybody.
- Sure.
- But I will.
I will, especially if it's a situation that,
'cause I've learned through jobs that I've had,
like outreach and everything,
you know, as much as I think I can handle folks,
folks are out of control sometimes, you know?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, and I think you're right, people are burnt out.
I know I know a lot of my colleagues are burnt out.
A lot of people doing frontline work are really burnt out.
Basically, anyone who is not getting paid
all the money, you know what I mean?
- Absolutely.
- I mean, I don't know.
- Throw in their hands up because it just seems like,
it's like with all this stuff going
especially with Trump and the courts and whatever,
it's like, "I'm all, why are we even listening?"
We know exactly how this is gonna fold.
It's kind of like the conspiracy people that say,
oh, they've always known who's going to be elected
or whatever, we're just ponds or whatever.
I don't know if I necessarily believe that,
but I understand why someone would be that frustrated,
just because it seems like the same things
just keep happening.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Agreed, yeah.
The other thing I was gonna say earlier,
'cause I was talking about like two examples of when I feel,
you know, like when I'm not my best,
and then the evidence that I'm not my best is
when I go to a new meeting and I meet new people
that I notice that I listen a little differently.
- When do you say to listen a little differently?
- Yes, you pay attention.
- Well, I show up.
- Well no, I show up with everyone.
There are some meetings where somebody starts talking
and I'm all, I could be,
like start thinking about what I need to eat for dinner.
- Yeah, you know, here's the thing is that I don't think
that we have to take something from everyone's share.
- Oh, absolutely no.
- We don't have to invite everyone over to our homes.
You know what I mean?
We don't have to--
- Everybody deserves our coverage.
- Everyone deserves our coverage.
- Yeah, but how do I listen differently?
I think I'm just more receptive.
And this is to your point about like going to a meet,
like there's God there was like this one meeting
in the castor that I was going to for a while.
And then at some point I was like,
oh, I already know what that person's gonna say.
And I already know what that person's gonna say.
And they're gonna call on this person again.
And which is, you know, that's a shitty attitude to have.
But it was how I was feeling.
And then I'll go to, you know,
I've been going to these meetings and left yet
and Pittsburgh.
And I listen differently there, you know.
There are people I don't know.
They're also not gay meetings.
- And it's probably what--
Honestly, that's necessary because one of our one of our fellows Tom Jay
He always says it's like don't let the medicine that you need be the medicine that you don't want
Yeah, it's like and so
It's it's one of those things you know when you're in a meeting and someone that you don't fuck with
Shared the message and it's pretty solid. Yeah, and you're like I
Hate I don't like you so I'm totally going to disregard this quality
message or you know this person is full of shit as a Christmas turkey.
As I go, but there is something to be said.
It's like I can say the thing and have you hear it.
I don't necessarily have to have to be perfectly living it.
Cause it's like a lot of times what I'm like Jimmy K shared at show shows.
And he was talking about all these things that he won't, you know, and I think the premise
was these are all the things that's happening when I'm spiritual and then he
ended it was said and I don't do a lot of these things. But this is what I'm
trying to do. This is what I'm trying to become. Yeah. Well, I've been thinking
about. So one of the one of my goals for postdoc is I want to understand
recovery from different perspectives, but specifically like as a provider,
right? Like I'm familiar with recovery within 12 step and I'm familiar with
like the mechanics of some of the other programs,
like smart recovery and refuge recovery, right?
But my goal is to have a broader
and stronger understanding of like all the different ways
that recovery can look, right?
And so what I was gonna say earlier is like
one of the things that I'm really curious about
going into this year is,
you know, there's been research around people
going through a period of abstinence
and then returning to use.
I don't think that's for me.
- We start, remember while back we started talking about
that was a question that I had.
It's like, so what if you work through the things
that your issues are whatever and then you go back to
and some people go back and they,
and whether or not they admit it or not,
but on the surface it seems like everything is solid,
but it's like, you know.
- That's the thing, right?
Is that there's like their philosophical differences there.
Like because in 12 step, you know,
basically this up Texas you're an addict
for the rest of your life.
- Absolutely.
- And, you know, like, not a subtext,
but just clearly stated is that we have an allergy
of the body and an obsession of the mind, right?
And that's just the way it is,
and that has certain implications for how we see the world
and how we operate, and the 12 steps are there
to make sure that like, you know,
our lives are together, basically, right?
It's a design for living.
- Yeah, exactly.
- That really works.
(laughing)
So, going into this year, it's like, I want,
and part of this is, okay, part of this comes from,
I have people, there are people I know in the rooms
who fucking struggle.
And it's not like, oh, they just go out
and they had a bad time.
It's like, no, they go out and they come back and they're wrecked.
We have a mutual friend for Icewear,
every time he goes out, he comes back and he's broken a limb.
You know, and he has broken a limb.
and then, or you have people that lose their jobs,
or like their families are destroyed.
And I'm like, how can I help that person?
- Yeah, exactly.
- And sometimes I, and I know that 12 step,
I like the way my therapist described it.
She said, 12 step is really good at stopping the bleeding,
but sometimes you need some extra help.
- Yeah, exactly.
- You know, so, yeah, I mean,
I'm thinking about that going into the new year.
- Wow.
- No, I know this is, that's not the topic,
but I do want to ask you.
Okay, so how can you get like,
in wanting to learn and understand more,
do you interview folks who have done it or whatever?
- Well, that's interesting 'cause that's what I'm doing.
The postdocs that I apply to,
these are all places that I would learn exactly
what I want to learn.
Right, I would be at every postdoc that I've applied to,
there are either teams of people,
at least a group of people that are doing
kind of research that I'm interested in that are actively working with addicts and
alcoholics, right?
So that's what I'm doing, right?
It's like I'm turning to this place.
I guess the concern or the question that I would have is like, how can you, how can
you be sure, sure, especially if the person who is experienced, it can't be sure they're
being authentic or honest about what, what, what's going on?
Because all I'm thinking about is like, okay, so I'm defiant.
And I'm going to prove you that I can do this.
And the worst thing would be to find out that I can't do it.
Somebody who I may have, you know what I'm getting at?
I think so.
Well, it's one of the things where it's like, "I'm all, you have this individual who did
12-step for however long or whatever they did and decided they didn't want to do it anymore."
And this is what happens a lot of times when people relapse.
they go out and they are defined.
It's like, I don't want to come back with my tail
between my legs.
- Well, so that's one of my criticisms of 12 step
is and to be fair, this is my experience is that
there's a lot of shame and guilt in 12 step
because if you go out and you come back,
you have to raise your hand again and there's this.
- But do you?
You don't have to.
- You don't, but there is like a cultural expectation, right?
- Well, I think a lot of times they encourage
because they want you to get past the shame.
- Who is they?
- When I think of they, I think of the people
that you trust sponsor, like if you take on a sponsor,
or if you have your, I feel like those individuals
that you can hear.
- Yeah, and I think what I'm trying to say is that
there is, it feels very zero sum sometimes.
- Yeah.
- But the shaman guilt is, I think a lot of it comes
from the individual.
Like, because, you know, it's one of those things where
it's like, you know, we're always worried about
what we think other people are thinking about us
and most of the time nobody's thinking about it.
- Right, 'cause we're thinking about themselves.
- Yes, exactly.
I was joking, say, with my sponsors.
It's like, okay, you think we're talking about you?
Okay, great, we're talking about you.
Get over it, move on.
Let's, what are we gonna do?
You know, people are paying attention to you.
if they're not paying attention to you,
upset about that too.
- Yeah, I mean, all very good points.
And I would also say that,
and there are people who do.
- I just, I just our body violet, yes, and.
- Well, Benji goes, and we borrowed this
from a professor that he and I both had.
Dr. Sherry Taylor, she goes, but also.
- Ooh, he keeps on bringing that Sherry Taylor.
We need, we need, we need, we need, we need,
- She, well, it's because she's amazing.
She's absolutely amazing, Dr. Sherry Taylor.
But she says, "But and also."
Yeah, but and also, there are all,
the people in the rooms who do talk and sometimes,
but I don't think that's unique to 12-step,
I think that's like whenever you get any group of people,
there are people dynamics that show up.
- Absolutely.
- You know, so.
- Don't you think they're healing and facing that
because I think that, there is, okay.
But let's go back to accountability.
- Okay, but okay, I'm gonna make a note.
- This go back to accountability.
You're trying to be a better version of yourself
and real apps was a part of your story.
And owning up to maybe not being
the best possible part of who you were,
I mean, the conversations that I get to have now
and I have with my sponsor, is that okay?
So I am the one who determines the good or bad.
I think the problem is we've been doing
it so good or bad thing and we've been,
Like I lay what my idea of good and bad is over what your idea of good and bad and it's not the same.
Yeah, and I don't go ahead.
No, go ahead.
Well, and I don't know that the words good and bad are important when we're talking about healing, right?
Like I believe that everything unfolds exactly the way it's supposed to unfold.
No, absolutely.
Like we get to where we're going either kicking and screaming or we get there taking the easier softer way.
It might be a false polarity, but that's, you know, what I think.
with respect to this idea that could that be part of the healing.
Well, I don't know that it's a,
the answer is like, yes, I think so.
But I think the other part of that is,
it's like an unfair burden for someone who's struggling
with recovery to now also have to navigate
like the social dynamics of people's shaming.
- But that's inevitable.
It's like even if they don't come back to 12-step,
they're gonna, if you care about people,
if you care about people in your life,
They're going, you're going to feel that way.
- Well, you're going to think that people--
- Sure, but you don't have to do that
at the doctor's office.
Do you know what I'm saying?
- Well, but here's the deal.
It's like I'm all, you know what?
I don't know about you, but if I'm feeling insecure
or whatever, of course I'm thinking people around me
are judging you, especially when they're not.
- Sure.
- That's something, I don't think, I don't think I can get
around it.
- No, I get that.
And I think we're saying the same thing,
because what I'm saying is, so I'm like saying yes,
And if you're in--
[LAUGHTER]
Yes, and--
Yes, and--
That's what we're going to get to teach you.
Yes, and.
Yes, and.
But, and also, yes, and I don't think
that it is helpful for a person to step into, say,
a 12-step meeting or any recovery-based community
or group and feel like they have to do extra work
within that space.
Is that a good time?
maybe that's a good time if you are concerned about that
and you have someone supportive who understands
that you try a different meeting.
- No 100%.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean 100% of what.
- Because if you obviously,
if you go back to a meeting where you were well known,
then that's definitely gonna be an issue.
But if you step into a meeting like some people do
where they are, you know what,
I'm gonna try my recovery over here because, you know,
I need a fresh kind of take or maybe I'm just not,
past feeling insecure about what other people think about me.
And yeah, so.
- Yeah, I mean, I mean, what you're talking about is,
I mean, people's work, you know?
And we talk a lot about like doing the work
of a whole book.
- Yeah, exactly.
- And I mean, just saying it gets me tired.
- No.
- You know?
- No.
- Because when are we done working?
You know, like, there's always something,
there's always something to work on.
You know, ultimately, going back to kind of like originally,
what I was thinking of is like going into this new year,
I really do want to deepen my understanding of recovery
such that I can be a better clinician,
a better friend,
because I've just, my heart goes out to the people.
I've been in the rooms for over 10 years now.
And there's some people who've just,
they literally have been in and out since I first got here.
And I don't see their lives getting any better.
you know, and sometimes I wonder like maybe this isn't,
maybe this isn't the course for them.
- Yeah, exactly.
- And to be sure for people listening,
I'm not saying like, oh, maybe it's not working for them.
Well, I'm not saying like 12 stuff can't work for everyone,
but what I am saying is that there are some people
who would be better helped by something else.
- Yeah, the best bit of information
that I got regarding that is that
not to make someone else's experience about me.
- Right.
that like there are times where I need to,
where I can be that loving supportive person
with the person there are times where I need to step back
and love people from across the street.
There's a relapse prevention meeting
that happens on Monday, it's a CMA meeting.
And every now and then I have to take a little break
from the meeting because I realize that if,
if I go to that meeting and I'm that person,
because, you know what person, what do you mean?
- No, I have, I don't have a poker face.
You can see whatever's going on with you.
- Oh, I know, I've been practicing for a while.
- And if I don't know, if I'm giving off that energy
to someone who is going through kind of what you were talking
about, I don't wanna be that person.
You know, it's like, and I'm human and I'm valuable.
And so the best thing for me to do is to try a different
meeting or, you know, and put myself in a place
where I can be of maximum service.
That's why I live the third to that prayer.
released me of the bondage of self,
'cause that's always my big issue.
- Oh, 100%.
- Yeah.
- We share that in common,
'cause that's also my favorite line in the third set prayer.
Yeah, you know, and so I think,
you know, the other part now thinking about the new year,
I've shared a million times that I live in the TL.
And for a while, like the TL was really kind of like,
like chipping away at like my compassion,
I was having like compassion fatigue
because you know, I'm surrounded, literally surrounded
by people struggling with addiction,
nodding off in the streets or you know,
and I've arrived at a place, I feel like,
you know, I've had some time to reflect
and you have been actively engaged
and like learning new skills around this,
specifically around like helping people in recovery.
And to me feels like there is a solution.
I don't know what that solution is.
I know, like currently there's a movement
to medically assisted treatment.
There's that, but then I think about like,
well, who has access to that and that kind of thing.
So yeah, maybe what this new year is for me
is that, and part of that is like,
I'm graduating this year.
So I feel like I'm gonna have more room and more freedom
to actually work on the things that I wanna work on.
- And on.
- So you know what's interesting?
So we've been talking about all of this and whatever.
And also going back to our feelings about the topic,
New Year, New Me, and it's like, I feel like,
while it's not intentional,
I'm starting to know you with these things.
This is a continuation of the things
that we've already been working on.
- That, yeah.
- And so it's like, it is not that all of a sudden
it's a new me, I'm still on that road.
And ideally, I'm not gonna ever get to,
but I'm getting closer to,
and the person that I wanna become.
And so maybe it should have been a new year,
an opportunity, new opportunity to get to the,
to the promised land, you know?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- There's like, there's a part of me
that's like, time isn't real.
You know what I mean?
- You know what I mean?
- This guy was like, doesn't feel like a--
- No, I know, but what I,
here's the thing is that there are enough like,
cultural, there are enough like social things in place
that make timelines real.
- Yeah.
- You know what I mean?
- So it's not like, we can pretend like it doesn't exist.
- You know.
- Not exactly.
- So yeah, and it's interesting too,
'cause I'm noticing that a lot of what we're talking about,
well, I'll speak for myself,
I'm noticing a lot of it has to do with things
that I wanna do for other people.
And I wonder if that's something that is stemming
from my recovery.
- Oh, that's absolutely there, 'cause it's natural
for us to be self, I changed self-centered to self-focus.
I remember one point.
So focus because I want it to kind of reclaim that and not make it some--
You're reclaiming all the words.
You know what?
Honestly, I think at one point, you know, I wanted to take words like that we constantly
saw in a negative light or whatever and use them the way they probably were meant to
be used.
Yeah.
I've heard of someone referring to character defects as character.
- Fuck what was it? - Was it character assets?
Like, uh, like-- - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, it's like character or like,
basically we're seeing like, that they were coping mechanisms.
- Yes, exactly. - Right, like that character defects
were actually ways of adapting.
- Absolutely, and then you know what it is?
Like they were not bad things because they save,
they kept us going, "We didn't get to this point."
You know, with, they got us to this point.
The problem is like they say is that they no longer work for us.
They don't like work for us and we're still trying to use them.
Turn my, can you hear me?
I can hear you now.
Oh, because I can't hear you now.
Oh no.
No, that would be mute.
That could talk.
Hello.
There you go.
Did I press you?
Wow.
I got off.
You know, if you wanted me to shut up, all you had to do was say, "I'm sorry for enjoying
that.
That's a funny."
Yeah.
But I, you know, some of the more, like going into this knee or the other thing that's
up for me is because I'm, there are things like, you know, I'm done applying for post-doc,
interviews will be done by the end of January, decisions will be done by its February.
I have a lot more time opening up and, you know, one of the things that I do want to do,
which is like an extension of last year's take better care of myself, you know, like getting
And I'm talking about like foundational things,
like getting enough sleep,
like eating, like eating too much.
- Oh, absolutely, yeah.
- Getting three meals a day, drinking enough water.
You know, all things I think I've talked about before.
- Yeah, no, those are essential, those are important.
- Yeah, and you know, I also,
there's also part of me that wants to be less frustrated
with like the state of things.
You know, specifically, I've been thinking a lot of,
like poverty and like how poverty impacts people's livelihood
on how that, you know, like, they also affects,
you know, people's ability to access resources
and to enter into recovery or to stay.
Right, like, so I've been thinking a lot
about all of these different factors
that impact people's lives
because they've impacted my life.
- Yeah.
I've been trying to use my,
what I've been trying to use my TikTok.
Number one to kind of help me,
It's very cathartic to be able to talk about things
I need to talk about, topics to come up like self-care
about shining your light, not letting people dim that light.
Realizing that, as much as I want to shut the world off
and not pay attention to what's going on,
I need to do that.
Just because things didn't work out the way
I wanted to election wise or whatever it is,
I get to stop participating in it.
And that like parts and parts of me wants,
like they, I don't wanna think beyond the four years,
but there's gonna be beyond the four years.
It's not like unless some freak accident happens,
I'm gonna be here, so I need to kind of continue.
And I don't know, I feel that way too,
it's like, and I think a lot of it has to do with,
how can I be most effective, like,
you know, lifting other people up?
'Cause I do wanna lift people up.
I wanna lift people up, but I wanna lift myself too.
- Sure.
- Yeah, well look for self too and I wanna,
I wanna, 'cause I feel like it is those times
when we're desperate or when we're in this collectively
or whatever that we can kind of,
become more powerful together.
- 100%, 100%.
Yeah, and there's a power in pulling the lens back
and seeing like bigger picture things.
- Absolutely.
- I think, that's one of the things that grounds me a lot
is sometimes when I feel overwhelmed,
I imagine kind of like leaving my body
and from the clouds looking down
and realizing like I am one among so many.
- Yeah, absolutely.
- That like, as the Buddha say that like we share suffering,
suffering is kind of like the condition
of being a living being, you know.
And that can be, you know, that's very grounding for me.
And I think that's maybe for me
what makes lifting, I don't even,
I don't wanna say that that's something,
like the idea of lifting other people up
because I don't know that I lift other people up,
but I do think that there's a way that when you connect
with other people, you can try to throw the,
you know, a lot of people. - Absolutely,
or let's, or let's, you know,
let your example kind of encourage folks.
- Yeah, I mean, or let their example encourage me.
- Exactly, it's like a total back and forth.
- It is a total back and forth.
- It was something, you know, before we wrap up,
I think it's really interesting, okay?
So, you know, obviously Donald Trump and,
and this is exactly, and then he'll make a thing like,
- Oh no.
- But, can you hear it?
- I can hear it.
- I can't hear it.
- You can't hear it?
- No, it's fine, whatever, go ahead.
- Now, obviously, what's really super interesting is like,
It's giving all of these people permission
to show the nastiest parts of themselves or whatever.
And I have always thought, like,
I feel better prepared when I know
what you're thinking as opposed to you,
you know, putting on a mask or a face or whatever.
And I think that it's like, it gives,
and I give a lot of people who,
like the last time it was like the lot of people
who are able to not see that,
an opportunity to see it.
Yeah, this is what's going on.
We're not just kind of making the shit up.
And I don't know, I don't know what was going on.
- No, I get that.
And that can be very grounding.
I'll share one last thing before we wrap up.
So I've been, I don't know if I've talked about this before,
but there's certain experiences that I had
when I was younger that I'm only now addressing in therapy.
And it's been very hard.
It's probably one of the hardest things
I've ever had to do, right?
And the other day I was talking to an old friend of mine
and he asked me how I was doing and I told him,
I was like, oh, here's this thing
that I haven't really talked to anyone about
that I've been struggling with.
And he goes, this is wild that you're saying this.
He's like, I've been struggling with the same thing
for very many years too.
And it was wild 'cause I was like, oh well,
I did not think someone was gonna have
the very kind of identical experience
that I was having.
and it didn't make any of it go away,
but there was something very stabilizing
and very grounding about that.
And I think part of what you're saying is,
there's a lot of power in naming shit.
You know, just naming it out loud,
like identifying what are the things that are happening
and seeing it out loud,
because I think that part of what can be really toxic
for people is they're frustrated and they're anxious
and they're uncomfortable,
but it's like, is this all in my head?
is this am I overreacting?
And when actually, no, you're not overreacting,
you're having a perfectly normal response
to a crazy fucking environment.
So with that--
The Castro Country Club is a safe and sober community
center for all people in a refuge
for the LGBTQ Recovery Community.
We provide programs and services
that help change lives by supporting personal growth.
Our vision is to reduce the suffering of addiction
by connecting people to community opportunity and support.
You can find more information, including all the ways
to contact us at www.castrocountryclub.org/podcast.
- Yeah, and please catch all new episodes every Monday
when episodes are uploaded for you and you're enjoyment.
(laughing)
- Lewis is ad-loving.
- Uh-huh.
- So--
- Yeah, and look for the CCC at the CCC
wherever you listen to podcasts.
- Wherever you listen to podcasts.
Yeah.
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